Feathers sending delicious shivers down my spine and because my eyes are closed, I cannot and do not want to anticipate where they may explore next…rib cage, the bottom of my foot, behind the knee, underneath quivering buttocks. Exquisite sensations leaving me floating, the one tickling me a master anticipator of what might feel really, really good to me. He touches me with the sharp tip on an areas that is deliciously innervated.
I used to love the sensation of being tickled as a child. The delicious rush of warmth left me feeling happy, flushed and alive, skin giggling and eyes tearing up from the joy of it all. We call it oxytocin bliss now. Back then, I just knew it was the reason I had skin. Skin to feel how good it was being held and rocked and tickled.
Then one day, my skin didn’t like them anymore. When the tickler didn’t hear my NO, they were no longer safe. My middle was the first to numb out. Belly didn’t like being touched like that…not when it was sensation taken from me rather than a gift given in love and nourishment.
The dynamite abs that I had as a little girl, the same ones my powerful young daughter now flexes, just weren’t strong enough to hold all that anxiety in by themselves. Body wise as a woman’s belly is, mine learned to ground me, hold me, nurture me along the pathway of life, hope, pain, despair.
I see you and I know you know what I mean. I see your obsessions with your abdomen, the clenching of teeth and torso. Your body language says it all. Don’t look at me. DID YOU EFFIN HEAR ME? DON’T LOOK AT ME! DON’T TOUCH ME. DON’T YOU DARE HARM ME EVER AGAIN. I WILL PHAT YOU AWAY.
No fat shaming here. We must simple and finally acknowledge that as much as each body is beautiful, there’s a reason we are the way we are. Genetics are part of our story. My Italian ancestry gifted me curves. My life granted me the form I stand in now.
Who reading this carries your worries and woes around your middle? Padding to hold in the emotions that don’t feel good, just like you hold in your tummy because it jiggles. Delicious jiggles. Sad jiggles. Jiggles that just are…YOU.
Here’s the very magical thing in all of this phat and feather biz. A few days ago, I thought to myself, I wish my sides were still as sensitive as they were when I was a child. Under the phat are feelings waiting to cum out. Yes, coming and coming and coming, purring forth from the inner kitten.
Holy Mother of God, Father of Earth, Divine Creator Source Universe Spirit! Whatever name you prefer, I bow to you in prayer. My body undulates in honor of how you’ve created me. In this moment, I see…nay, I feel, only the perfection of this form called Tinamarie, my focus concentrated on one tiny point of my body on the receiving end of that feather sharp pain.
I hate that I now have to figure out how to create this in the sanctity of my marriage. It’s now clear to me that my body needs experiences that require a willing hand. Not to say my husband isn’t willing. The man is a giver of Jade Eggs and sent me here knowing full well what I was about to experience. I might even say he knew MORE than me. He’s acted on his fantasies already. And now I am too.
Can I ask him to do this to me? Would he find the place within him to hold my head in his arms and whisper softly to me the words that set me free to melt? Rub my bum after a gentle thwack though the idea of pain makes him squirm? Can we be vulnerable enough to explore together or must we soar to these heights alone?
To communicate our erotic needs in relationship is much harder, even for someone like me willing to share THIS MUCH with You. The invisible reader…you keep me going with your emails and your confessions behind the scene. The more you Jade Egg me on, the more I understand this raw vulnerability must be shared.
Weeping and crying together, burning up to be seen and be touched in love. How did we fall so far from this grace? Original sin wasn’t when we saw our nakedness and revealed our pleasures. It’s when some f*cktards convinced us to separate sexuality from spirit, to shut off the connections between our bodies and our souls…to denounce what Source had given us as something sinful. Grr.
I am pissed.
The feathers are my proof.
Bit by tittie bit, they performed a miracle. Sensitivity returned. Again and again, someone with gentle kindness tickled me, and I was totally okay with it, body singing from the bliss of it, exposed and vulnerable and wearing nothing but pink feathered boas and my curves.
AND it was safe.
In a world in which so many women (and men) are skin hungry, loving touch can move mountains of mental debris right out of your head and into the earth, where it can finally be released. Sensual touch is embodied healing. There’s no other way to put it. It helped that as I lay there on the table, he stroked my side and guided me to a safe place, his voice drowning out the fears. I don’t remember what he said though bits and pieces of the letting go are tucked neatly in my memory. I composted a lot of old emotional debris on the massage table this day.
Emotional incontinence ain’t my thang. There goes my inner muse, always wanting in on the feathery fun. You are writhing so nicely, Tinamarie, she whispers in my mind’s ear. So easily. You could write a story about this and call it Easy Writher…indeed, I just did. Hmmm. Nice.
I wish I could tell you more. Maybe someday when we talk in person, one on one and it serves YOUR journey, I will do so without any inhibitions.
I am richer for it. You can be too. Believe me, trust me, feel the power of what it means to be so alive. So in love and alive with who you are, beautiful radiance. Five days of meditative, transformative and soul baring body work changes you. It’s a leap of faith and it doesn’t take much.
Sometimes, only a feather.
Read more Sexbod Diaries:Getting Naked with Strangers (vol 1) Working out the Kinks (vol 2) On the Scenic Route to Ecstasy (vol 3) Voyeur to Pleasure, Witness to Healing (vol 4) Easy Writher (vol 5) Orgasmic Friendships (vol 6)
Tinamarie is an Intimacy, Love & Libido Mentor for Women. Read more at www.TinamarieBernard.com.
Get your FREE Copy of Five Ways to Revitalize Your Libido Naturally.
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