Sex and the Single Female Monkey | When Women Rule Fornication, Mother Earth Delights
I just finished reading the seminal best-seller, Sex at Dawn, a book that turns all our ideas about human sexuality upside down, with a slap (for its intellectual discourse) and a tickle (for its sharp humor). As a species, we’ve been pulverized, culturalized, and civilized (some might argue in defiance of this), our sexuality wrapped up tight in prude little bow, only to discover that we don’t hump like animals at all. Oh no, we are far more carnal than our primate cousins, with the exception of the bonobos, who live in a jungle more lush, frangrant, and peaceful than any we’ve built in our concrete labyrinths.
Before any homo sapiens dismiss my observations as monkey business, remember that we share upwards of 97-99% of our genetic code with our lower primate cousins. We can arguably agree that sex is subject to the same forces of nature vs. nurture as every aspect of the human condition.
Besides, animal behavior can teach us much about ourselves, if we are willing to do the uncomfortable viewing of our navels and unweave the stories we’ve made up about our secret sexual and primal selves.
What would our planet be like if females ruled fornication?
The answer to that question may be as close as our nearest primate relations. Those who study bonobos point to the unique sexual behavior of the species. Once upon a time, they were called ‘pygmy chimps’ because they resemble small chimpanzees. And like the chimps, they share 98% of their DNA with humans. But the bonobos have a exceptional social structure and method for keeping the peace.
First, theirs is a matriarchal society, which means to ladies lead the pack, and second, they have sex. Lots of it. Their promiscuous, loving, non-warlike nature blows holes in the notion of male dominance being hardwired, natural or just the way we’ve always been.
The bonobos have found the solution to world peace. It’s called love. Whenever there is a dispute, they resolve it with a good bout of nooky. A bit of masturbation here, a little tickle where it feels really good there, and soon enough the tension is relieved. Have a problem? Not after you’ve had sex, bonobo style.
And if you have any doubt about female satisfaction, rest assured that these apes know how to swing. Wink wink, nod nod, grunt grunt, sigh. In fact, in their natural habitats, Bonobos have rarely demonstrated hostile or violent behaviors towards another, prefering open mouthed French kissing to fisticuffs.
Now I am not suggesting that we become a matriarchal society (although some balance is still very much in order around the world), nor I envision our world leaders mounting each other at summits for sustainability or peace. That just is too strange for even my inner adolescent boy imagination. But don’t you agree that we can learn something here?
Mother Earth is suffering from our mistreatment. Her waters run foul, her air breathes heavy, her children live in fear of mutual annihilation, her ground quakes, and her oceans rage. Is it entirely out of reach for us to imagine the relationship between peace and the environment? As much as nature knows no boundaries, perhaps challenging our own views on sexual morays may also benefit humankind?
In a previous column (Polyamory: Toward a New Sexual Ethic), I confessed that underneath my vanilla heterosexual monogamous skin beats the heart of a polyamourist. Certain characteristics of open relationships – sharing and resource allocation – may hold one key to redirecting our current, environmentally unconscious course. And now, in this post, I ask us to consider what our primate friends may have to teach us on the topic of love, sex and the single female monkey (or attached for that matter).
Because I have a sneaky suspicion that if the bonobos could talk to us, they’d tell us this: you can’t have too much (age-appropriate, consensual, mutually satisfying) sex, but you can (and do), have too much war and destruction.
“Their sexual behavior is too human like for most of us to be comfortable with…”
Related blogs:
Sustainably Sacred Love | Who Comes First | Ecology of Love
Make Love, Not Porn | Why the Conservative Right and Militant Left Both Have it Wrong
Hierachy of Love | Me, Me, Me First | Paradox of Selfishness
Tinamarie is an occasional poet and writer for several acclaimed websites. You can find her at twitter and Facebook, or send her a private message at modernlovemuse @ yahoo dot com.
©2010-2011 www.TinamarieBernard.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article. Images via: Bonobo.com
As a single female monkey who read Sex At Dawn last summer (and loved it), I keep wondering how to respond to this post without getting too personal. I guess that what I came away with was an enormous validation of my sexuality. I cannot really explain what happened but, as my marriage crumbled to dust, so did all my inhibitions and stories about sex. All I was left with was a desire to fully explore the pleasures offered by sex. I enjoy having multiple male and female lovers. I enjoy group activity, particularly when it involves more men than women. I am notoriously loud when I have sex. I have a delightful intimate network of friends and lovers. I find that the more emotionally intimate I become with them the more I want to have sex with them on a regular basis. Jealousy rarely comes up for me, especially when I know my lover’s other lovers. They are just incorporated into my network. I usually find myself wanting to have sex with them as well. I suppose that’s bonobo-like.
i love that
I adore comparisons to humans and monkeys–it brings me back to reality, and though I haven’t yet read Sex at Dawn (though I may need to go out and buy a copy), I do recall hearing something about this subject on NPR. I love your writing style and topic choices: Polyamory: Toward a New Sexual Ethic. Woah.
But I have to chime in here on Jeni’s comment. I have several friends in similar situations to yours, divorced or married but swinging, open to a lot of free love. I myself tried dating two men at a time, throw one woman in for good measure, and I just couldn’t do it. I think a lot of people blame this on Christian ethics, but I am a very liberal thinker, as are many of my other less wild friend, which brings me to my point about the bonobos. I think some of us may have a more direct link to bonobos than others. The line from one tribe of monkeys to humans is probably blurry. There may be cross-breeding. So, I don’t agree that we have all come from sex crazed female monkey Mamas. Some of us may have run with a more modest pack. Then again…it is spectacular to wonder.
Dear Lovely,
I think you are on to something. One thing that is becoming clearer to me, day by day, is that we are all drawn to different ways of relating and being with others. There’s no one right way to experience love and connection. For some, poly love is the answer, for others, intimacy essentials are met best one on one. Finding your own truth about how you need to be fullfilled, at any given point in your life, is necessary, in my opinion of course, to obtain true sexual freedom. My guess – even within the free-wheeling Bonobos, we will discover great variations and preferences. Thank you so, so much for visiting and sharing great insights. Shalomnaste, T
I’m just wondering why you rule out shifting to a matriarchal society?
It’s a good question. I think because ultimately, I’m hoping for a balanced system that incorporates the best of what males and females can co-create together. Perhaps I need to rethink my understanding of matriarchy, and then can advocate for or against or both. Perhaps you can expand here on society as a matriarch??