Women Are Sadder Because Deep Down Men Are Shallower?
Much is made about happiness in pop culture and media. We’ve become a society affixed on the idea that it isn’t just our prerogative, but our right, and that anything less than outstanding and endless satisfaction of whatever expectations we’ve collected along the way is a real and serious crisis.
Women in particular are deemed the unhappier gender, particularly those in my demographic. Careful – I’m about to admit a startling fact: I’m a middle-aged woman, mother of two young kids, (What can I say, my eggs lasted long enough to survive my youth) which means a two-fisted slam against joy: one for being in my 40s, the least happy time in an American woman’s life according to research. The other bitch slap is from parenting.
Based on data collected over the past 40 years, women are reporting decreasing levels of happiness, not just versus their female counterparts from the past, but also in general as they age. In fact, where teenage girls once were as happy as teenage boys, they now start their adult lives less so. But why?
Societal and self-expectations?
One reason is our society’s increased obsession with youth and standards of beauty that are out of reach for most. This creates a sense of alienation and of feeling invisible. It also turns out women are harder on themselves than men; we focus on our flaws more than our strengths.
Marcus Buckingham, a happiness guru who studied this trend found that “since women, as a group, believe that success flows from drilling down into their weaknesses, and since, as has happened to women over the last 40 years, they’ve gradually acquired more and more domains in which they are supposed to succeed, a researcher would expect to see women characterizing themselves more and more by who they aren’t, becoming more and more self-critical, and more aware of their flaws and failings, all of which might well accelerate these dissatisfaction trend-lines.”
As our expectations skyrocket, our sense of personal satisfaction declines. We just can’t keep up with the images of perfection surrounding us, overlook our strengths and magnify every last damn hair out of place, metaphorically speaking, in our lives.
Family obligations?
It takes a tremendous amount of work, being the architect of a child’s character; all while harboring worries that previous generations did not have to face (environmental, political, social, sexual and technological pressures. All in a day’s work. Arg!). And it turns out we may be glamorizing parenting, you know, like swallowing that bitter pill with a spoonful of sugar. I know some women who seem perfectly content to cater to their babes. Certainly, children give lives meaning and purpose, but can I honestly say that motherhood guarantees happiness?
Ask me that question after I have just one day free of complaints, spilt milk, requests made in high whiny voices, big brother pushing little sister who has already figured out by age three how to push his triggers. ‘I ‘noyying him,’ she admits with her eyes grinning bright. Yeah, it sounds as cute as when she explains, that “I tempered,” after a full-blown body-slammed on the ground explosion. Ever try to peel a toddler off the floor in the midst of a storm?
Feminism and the paradox of choice?
Maureen Dowd questioned whether feminism benefited men more than women. She writes, “When women stepped into male- dominated realms, they put more demands — and stress — on themselves. If they once judged themselves on looks, kids, hubbies, gardens and dinner parties, now they judge themselves on looks, kids, hubbies, gardens, dinner parties — and grad school, work, office deadlines and meshing a two-career marriage.”
Has feminism opened up so many opportunities that women are now faced with too much? If this is so, then why aren’t men also reporting more distress? Their choices have increased as much over the past two generations, and yet they report increased happiness.
Perhaps it is our reactions to these choices, particularly when something goes wrong. According to Ms. Dowd, women, “tend to attach to other people more strongly, beat themselves up more when they lose attachments, take things more personally at work and pop far more antidepressants.” Can it be that we are sad because we have too much to do, too much to chose from, and too many responsibilities? Or is the answer something else?
Blame Men?
And then there is something a guy with some years on him wrote to me in a private correspondence. “Women are sadder,” he said, “because deep down, men are shallower.’ Here’s the thing though: Man-bashing isn’t my forte. I think the whole battle of the sexes is a maladaptive consequence of a social-political-religious paradigm that has restricted our full expressions and experiences of love and self-actualization.
With that mouthful said, I’m fully intrigued by what’s going on in our simultaneously hyper-masculinized (as in hardcore pornification, a whole other blog, someday…) and de-masculinized culture (as in let’s blame men for all our problems, and have you looked at fashion magazines lately? More and more of the models are androgynous and pretty).
All fodder for another blog if I ever get the time. For now, I’m just wondering why happiness declines for women in their middle years. Taking blame out of the scenario, acknowledging the challenges of family, work and parenting, and just dealing with the topic frankly, I’m hoping you’ll tell me your thoughts on who or what is at the crux of this reported collective sadness?
Related:
Love: When She Says It’s Nothing
Polyamour: Toward a New Sexualove Ethic
Tinamarie is an occasional poet and writer for several acclaimed websites. You can find her at twitter and Facebook, or send her a private message at modernlovemuse @ yahoo dot com.
©2010-2011 www.TinamarieBernard.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article.
What makes you think men are so happy? Mid life crisis has typically been a male phase. And when did too many choices become such a problem for women? The real problem is too few. I think the reason women may SEEM sadder is because guys don’t talk and would rarely admit to being sad. How about this, I sleep 2-3 hours a night because I miss my lover. There, I wouldn’t admit that to a “person”.
Hi James, First of all, thanks for your thoughtful contribution. Individually, who are any of us to think one person is happier than the next, right? If I understand you, you are suggesting that men are also sad, but just not admitting it. Here’s the kink in that line of thought: the research suggests otherwise. Even so, I wager that by and by, we are experiencing a lot of disastisfaction, men and women, and it’s the stuff that can’t necessarily be summed up or explained with social science.
Oh, you did just admit that to a real ‘person.’ But I’ll keep it a secret.
If I read this correctly, the research is suggesting that prior to about 40 years ago, women were “happier.” If we take June Cleaver (http://http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/June_Cleaver) to be the standard against which to measure, then I’d agree. Ok, really, I’d agree in general. But I also don’t think it’s a fair generalization. Generalizations are often as dangerous as absolutes.
However, having been a member of a two-career family, and having played Mr. Mom in my time, I know the stresses of working and caring for a family. If it had been possible to be the stay at home parent, I would have! I do it now and love it. I get to keep the house as clean as I like it. I get to work on my craft projects. Am I reversing my own unhappiness? No. I wasn’t unhappy a year ago. Am I due for my mid-life crisis? Probably. I’m in my early 50s. OH damn, I’m rambling.
Ok, so women in the last 40 years have asked, nay demanded, equality. They wanted to work. They wanted to receive equal pay for equal work. I don’t find that unreasonable. That’s fair. If a woman can qualify (and they have) to be a law enforcement officer performing the same duties under the same conditions as a man, then pay them the same.
Women have made it to the highest ranks of Corporate America. Booya! Good job, ladies! And now, they’re less happy? Wait, isn’t that what they wanted?!? Oh, what’s that? There are other factors? Ah, of course. So Madison Avenue says you don’t look the way you should. Guess what. Grow some self esteem not based on what someone else thinks. Or tells you to think. Learn to respect and love yourself for your accomplishments, whatever they may be. Have weaknesses that keep you from succeeding? Really? Examine your “success barometer” and determine if those weaknesses are really what’s standing in the way.
I look to people like TinaMarie, a woman who has turned away from Corporate America, as examples of taking control of destiny. I look to my hunny, who left the foodservice dead-end path and turned instead to the retail dead-end path. Yet, that path has openings. She aimed for them. She is now an Assistant Manager. Did she do it on her own? Not entirely. She had someone gently nudging her. I look to those women who have risen to power within Corporate America as well. If nothing else, they found a way to make it work for them. Did they sacrifice a family life? Perhaps. I don’t know them that well.
And what about that family life? Kids are awesome. They are challenging. They are inspiring. They are frustrating. They are demanding. I used to be one. I was all those things. I also got my butt whupped on more than one occasion when I forgot my place in the hierarchy. How did that dynamic change in the two career parenting? In my case, it didn’t. Both my parents worked in the 60s and 70s. I think my sister and I turned out ok.
Can it be done today? Yes, absolutely. Is it easy? HELL NO!! It takes a LOT of work and it takes the right kind of work. I’m not about to say I know how to do it. I failed. I’m still failing, on round two. If I put myself in the shoes of the woman in such a situation, am I more unhappy than I would have been 40 years ago? I don’t think so. It’s a personal perspective issue. It’s a matter of knowing from where to draw the strength and support required to be not unhappy.
There are going to be times when Life, with a capital L, just gets to you. But that doesn’t mean it is an every day, every hour, the-world-is-beating-me-down kind of attitude. Do I have the answer? Only for me. Would it work for others? Maybe. But just because I say it could doesn’t mean I want to develop a following of people trying to change their lives based on my suggestions and then failing and blaming me. (Yes, I intended for that to run on.)
I agree, “social science” cannot explain any of this. Summaries in the context of society are merely a look at a microcosm of humanity. If studies show that Americans are becoming less happy, maybe the people conducting those studies should look elsewhere in the world and find the people that aren’t becoming more unhappy. That just might indicate that the American “society” has a flaw.
I think everyone thus far has made some good points. Now I’m going to stir the pot a little and add mine.
I think Maureen Dowd made a good point. All the women my age (in their 30s) who have careers and kids struggle to make sure they do a good job as mothers, workers, friends, etc. We (or at least I) tend to measure ourselves against our own mothers who frequently didn’t have as many different obligations. Men, well, it seems their primary measurement of success is still their job. If they “help” with the kids or the house it’s points in their favor. They’ve gone above and beyond.
Personally, I think marriage and child-rearing are poison to a woman’s happiness. In the book, “Swinging in America: Love, Sex, and Marriage” by Curtis Bergstrand, there’s a section that discusses female happiness. (Sorry, I’m in the middle of a move – if I weren’t I’d quote the section to you). The author discusses how studies have shown that married women are less happy than married men and single women…and that’s before you add children into the picture. It sounds to me like women are better off unmarried and childless because typical marriage puts an unfair burden on women.
I spent seven years being a stay-at-home mom to my kids with a husband who worked 50-60 hours a week. When I finally chose to leave, he said he wanted the kids half of the time. I agreed and it was the best decision I have ever made. For the first time since I gave birth I had time off from my kids. I also no longer had to take care of my husband. Bonus!! I am happier than I have been in years and, oddly enough, don’t have any real desire to marry again.
Lastly, I’d like to respond to LaughingBear’s last paragraph. I think he has a very valid point about happiness in American “society”. I grew up in Southern Spain. Spanish people interacted more, socialized in bars, coffee shops, markets, and spent less time trying to acquire crazy stuff. I loved living there. Since my divorce, I have made a point of modeling my life here, in the U.S., after my life as it was in Spain. Doubtless, this has contributed my increased happiness as well.
Thanks for this thoughtful post Tinamarie, and to the posters for their comments. As a Sex and Relationship Coach who loves to wrestle with gender issues, I’ll admit that I still feel confusion at times regarding ‘what makes men tick.’ But, I’ll share a few thoughts:
In general, men are more closed and guarded than women – with their emotional ‘body armor’ protecting their vulnerability. Recently, a male friend reminded me how critical it is for him to never admit failure and how that cover up shows in his personal life. I was aghast! Bottomline: I believe that men MAY be just as capable of emotional depth, but they are adept magicians at hiding it.
I agree that we women expect too much of ourselves. We’ve raised the bar to a height that most humans can’t reach – in all areas, all the time – which is what we strive for. We ‘fail’ although that failure may only be seen with our own eyes.
So, we have emotionally guarded men mingling with women who have a (sometimes) critical need for emotional support. The outcome isn’t always a ‘happy’ one.
I’m not in the ‘let’s blame the men’ camp, though. It all boils down to personal responsibility. Couldn’t the men become more supportive and less ‘shallow’? Sure! That would be a huge gift to women – their relationships and themselves. But let’s allow women to be responsible for their own fate – and emotional state.
Here’s a thought – How about if we stop trying to do it all…perfectly?
I’m not suggesting that women should step back from their occupational goals, or become lackadaisical mothers. My point is: Let’s be gentle with ourselves. Let’s caretake ourselves at least as much as we caretake others. Let’s acknowledge that although men often fall short of meeting our emotional needs, they are struggling/growing also and their paths and timing deserve respect. Let’s remember that our happiness is our responsibility. Let’s release and relax more. Let’s lessen the ‘striving’ (in some of our arenas) and embrace ‘allowing.’ Let’s ask for help more than we do. Let’s embrace our sweet, sensual femininity more often.
Enough said. I’m off for my walk. It makes me HAPPY!
Thanks for another great blog Tina Marie! When considering anything about gender differences, I like to remind myself that on one level we are always talking about ourselves. That is, as a woman, I have a feminine and masculine side. And so do men. So we could reframe your question as: Is the feminine sadder because the masculine is more shallow? There’s no question that the feminine – in women, in men, in politics, environment, health care – you name it – the feminine is sad. Partly because she is still disempowered and partly because she is empathic. I think that’s really the main point – it’s the feminine aspect who feels, in both men and women. So to the extent that women are more connected with the feminine than men – and while this is not universally true we’ve done our best to socialize both genders to show up this way at least until the last 20 or 30 years. So of course women are, in general, sadder.
That said, it’s also true that while doors have opened for women into formerly male territories, in most families, men have not taken on 50% of the domestic responsibility. So there is an even greater imbalance in a way than when men’s and women’s roles were more separate. At the same time, women still earn significantly less for doing the same work as men.
Add to this, the data which suggests that while women have infinitely more erotic potential than men, just because of simple biology, they still tend to depend on men who simply don’t know how to please a woman sexually, or who don’t understand that they will be happier in the end if they put the woman’s sexual satisfaction ahead of their own. And while happiness is not just about having a good sex life, the truth is that it helps.
BTW – my forties were the best decade of my life to date! Glad I didn’t know they were supposed to be the worst.
Namaste,
Deborah Anapol
http://www.lovewithoutlimits.com
Pam brings up some excellent points. Having spent quite a few years in the business world, I understand the need that women have for career goals and I support that. But all too often, we women neglect ourselves and our deep female need to feel happiness every day – yes, every day. It’s like we live two lives: we spend much time in the working world where masculine traits are honored and rewarded, but we are, undeniably, women. Balance is what we strive for, but often it is our feminine side that is sacrificed.
Pam wisely uses the words “releasing, relaxing, allowing” and “sweet, sensual femininity.” The secret beauty of this is, the more we women move into releasing, relaxing, and allowing our sweet sensual femininity in our outside-of-work hours, the more men will want to help and support us. To move into our femininity polarizes the masculine into action. If women efficiently take care of everything, we’ve effectively completed the male action. If we rather choose this “allowing,” men will jump at the chance to help us. They almost never will do it the way a woman would have done it – and that’s a good thing: part of men’s satisfaction comes from figuring out a way to get it done on their own. So we women then joyfully speak our appreciation. The men feel accomplished and appreciated, the women feel happy and relaxed.
Thanks Pam; I hope you enjoyed your walk!
Sophie,
Could you please explain in more detail how this “allowing” is supposed to work? I never figured it out. In the early years of my marriage, when we were both college students, I noticed my husband prioritized his school work before housework. After awhile, I did the same, figuring what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. The long and the short of it was that our apartment turned into a pigsty. Dishes went unwashed, the bathroom was a mess, etc. After college, we had kids, he worked long hours, and I stayed at home. I kept house because I couldn’t raise children in a pigsty and figured it was part of the job description. The end result was, by the end of the marriage, I felt like I had three kids instead of just two. He was absolutely clueless as to why I left. He was quite content with his life and figured I was as well because he was. Even now, as he prepares to marry again, I wonder if he learned anything from that process.
I did not and do not care how the housework gets done. I am not at all picky. He just never actually DID it. TV was far more appealing.
Jeni, I hear and honor your deep frustration. I hope things are better for you now.
The short, Left-Brain answer is
“The term ‘allowing’ doesn’t mean letting everyone do whatever they want.”
But to explain it, we must search in the Right Brain. Sometimes LB questions aren’t satisfied by RB answers, because RB’s are *so* not exact. But here goes:
I could never figure out why I always felt I had to do everything in a relationship, even when the relationship started out with a capable, “doing” man. Eventually I would get fed up because with all I had to do, it seemed like he should see that these things needed to be done and would jump in and help me. Or that the things he did do, weren’t done the way I would have done them. I began to feel more like a policeMAN than the woman in the relationship. I grew up in a family where the subliminal message from all the women was, “Men don’t know what’s good for them. We women have to do everything and we even do the stuff men are supposed to do, and we do it better than they do. They should just accept that fact and live with it. They should do what we tell them to do.”
This message originally came from my paternal grandmother. I found out recently that her father had died in a mining accident when she was 12. As a result of her father’s death, she was faced with a choice of going to an orphanage or getting married at the age of 13. She chose marriage. She spent the entire remainder of her life scoffing at everything men did. “They’ll just go off and get themselves killed.”
What I saw in later life were my uncles (her sons) and the male offspring (my boy cousins – men of my generation) of my aunts (her daughters) who had grown up with that message. In all cases, the craving for validation by the feminine (read: love) had resulted in every one of my uncles and all but two of my aunts – so far – dying of heart disease or some related condition, and my boy cousins are approaching middle age feeling lost and sad at a very deep level for something they don’t even have words for.
All of this is, as I said, right brain information, so it’s impossible for it to be judgmental or point the finger of responsibility. I can see that you, Jeni, are a loving, caring, competent woman who needed more than you were getting in the relationship you mentioned.
Have you ever read the works of David Deida? I really recommend “It’s A Guy Thing, An Owner’s Manual for Women.” It’s amazing because it is the form of questions and answers, and by golly it contains almost every blunt, to-the-point question that I ever wanted to ask a man. It is surprising in many ways, and it will lead you on a lovely exploratory journey if that is your choice.
My wishes and hopes for you, Jeni, are that you are receiving the love and care that you deserve – and you deserve it just by being the beautiful, capable, thinking, compassionate creature of nature that you are.
Sophie xoxoxo
A beautiful answer. Thank you Sophie.
Sophie,
Things are much better for me now, thanks!
Your explanation of “allowing” makes a lot more sense now. Thank you for that as well.
I have read a few of David Deida’s works but not that particular title. I will check it out soon.
Jeni