Pornography is a problem and masturbation is a sin…Laugh Lines takes on the pastor of XXX Church, and after this expose, only one of them will be satisfied. I’ll tell you this: Mark is smiling and he didn’t go blind.
There’s a guy who claims to be a pastor at something called the XXX Church. With a name like that, you’re going to attract a huge number of people in this country. When they find out what the message is, they’re going to end up very disappointed. He is saying some horrible things about masturbation and pornography. I’m not saying that all pornography is good. Hell, there’s some out there that isn’t worth the bits that it streams. Nor is masturbation always a good thing. I hear you! But wait, how many of you want to be sitting at the bridge club and have your 8 year old son come out wanking away? Hmmm? So now you see what I mean.
Reading what this “church” is all about makes me wonder if the guy read the line from his Book that says, “Go forth and multiply.” Now I know as well as you do that it doesn’t include the instructions, “Go masturbate for a few years so you have some idea what you’re going to experience.” It also does not say, “Grab yourself some porn to a) have a better idea where all the parts go and what they can do or b) get yourselves worked up so you can get to multiplying.” So what is this leading to? This is me extolling the benefits of both those activities.
Ok, so you already know I’m an old fat guy. I’m following a Spiritual path that has led me to some mind-expanding experiences. I have yet to discover if any of my genetic history includes any kind of instructions in matters of physical intimacy. So I have to do the best I can with the resources I have. That means I had to learn from porn, practice and willing partners.
Luckily, I have found a partner who is willing to practice just about everything we can think of. That includes masturbation. She like to watch me, she likes to take care of it for me, I like to watch her, she likes me to take care of her. That pretty much covers all the angles in that respect. Did I mention benefits? Yeah, I did. Over the last three decades (ouch) I have discovered pretty definitively what I like. Let’s face it, I have a penis. No matter who is touching it, I’m happy! Ok, so once in a while I have to tell her to slow down or release a little pressure. Hey, sometimes her excitement gets the better of her, I can appreciate that! It works both ways. We are so blessed that we know we can communicate such things!
As for pornography, we have a collection. Some of it we like. Some of it sits in the bag and gathers dust. Does it make us go out and grab someone for violent sexually deviant behavior? Of course not! We watch it together. We observe what scenes get each other hot. Then we ignore the “movie” and continue on our own. Oh and guess what? If I watch porn without her, I get all hot and bothered and jump her bones when she walks in! Do you think she complains? You’re nuts if you think she does! You see, we both understand that our sex life is a part of who we are. We are a monogamous couple. We enjoy the body of our partner. That’s right, she likes shagging the old fat guy. I like shagging the droopy mother of three. Get over it! Old fat people have sex, too!
Do we need “pornography”? NO! We can walk through a mall and get the same result. Hot chicks get me hot. I grab my woman. Hot guys get her hot and she grabs me. Hell, hot chicks get her hot and she grabs me. Now the Book thumpers will probably try to tell us that getting hot because we see someone walking by is some kind of sinful lust. So wrong! Sure, we find inspiration in another, but to whom do we turn to carry out our lust? OUR partner!! Wake up people! The human form is excitable! It’s how you deal with that excitement that matters. Turn it into something disrespectful to another person and you deserve the punishment society dictates. Keep it in your own bedroom and enjoy the fireworks. 
Afterall – the guy above didn’t go blind from masturbation; he just did it until he needed glasses.
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